This is My Place

Today was a recovery day, and boy did I need it.

My alarm went off at 5am. Did I get up, no. My second alarm went off at 5:30am. Did I get up, no. Derrick’s alarm went off at 6am. Did I get up, nope. But somewhere between 6 and 6:30 my mother brought me in a hot cup of coffee and I smiled, thanked her, said I was getting up…and rolled over, got comfortable and fell back to sleep. I NEEDED the sleep. The 5K yesterday, in the dead, dry sun heat of Redlands, California nearly killed me with that headache. AND I was staying well hydrated and carried a good pace. And I had an appetite–yesterday. Today, this morning, I needed sleep.

I finally got up a few minutes before 8am and Ivy was ready to nurse…considering she let me sleep from 4am to nearly 8 was a blessing! (Thanks kid! Mama owes you one!) My awesome mom asked me if I wanted fresh coffee and I was like, nah, microwave that bitch–we don’t waste a brew ’round here! (Don’t worry my mom gets my humor–I wasn’t cursing AT her, but rather snidely remarking how even “old coffee” is ma ride ‘er die bitch).

Derrick had an interview this morning and I’m sure it went well. I’ve never met a person with more energetic passion, damn good work ethic and integrity–just Derrick. He’s not a slacker…except when it comes to cleaning the garage or the lawn…but that’s a different story. So my man rocked a suit this morning. Jos. A. Bank…WELL…WORTH…THE…INVESTMENT. Ladies, a good suit on a man is akin to sexy lingerie for us–so pretty you wanna bite it. I so hope he gets this new job; it’ll be safer, closer to home and much better hours with weekends and holidays off, benefits, a Matching 401K and insurance & stock options. *music* “Movin’ on up! To the east side!”

Let me just tell you, it’s been hot as hell here in Southern California lately. Like, it’s May and my SUV’s dash registered 107 around 10am. What? Why? Ugh. And the worst part about this heat? We do not have a working air conditioner. (We have the world’s worst slumlord and we’re pending litigation against him right now–for so many things; especially misappropriation of funds that were allotted to him SPECIFICALLY for a new AC unit and carpet ((this carpet has NEVER been replaced and we’ve been here a year and this house was built in the 70’S!!)) and now we’re suing his ass). Anyways, this heat, with my health issues, my irritability and crankiness is just hell. But even more so for my newborn daughter–she does not like the heat and it’s hella hard for us to breathe, not to mention our allergies flaring ALL THE TIME with the windows having to be open and old ass carpet where the previous tenants had animals and didn’t properly look after them. (Yeah, we got duped into moving into a house with promises of new carpet, a working AC and heater, a water-heater, a dishwasher and gardeners because my husband has physical limitations that disable him from being too active with lawn and gardening care) (It sucks).

And even after his interview, my babe quickly came home, changed into his uniform and left for work. I was so happy when I heard him pull up at 4, and then sad again when I had to remind him that we HAD to go do the oil change and belt replacement on the SUV TODAY because I have a conference in Ontario for the next two days and I don’t wanna break down anywhere along the way. (Stupid AAA only towing for 11 miles.) But he smiled through gritted teeth and changed into cooler clothing and went along with me for some errands; oil change, Sprouts run for light groceries and dish soap for the baby’s supplies…and I buttered him up with a trip to BevMo for beer, before I sucker punched him with my craving for Starbucks. Thank God they’re all in the same parking lot in Mission Grove, lol.

When we got home, I immediately bolted to the front door because I was giddy as all hell. I bought Maverick a surprise, a sort of peace offering, if he’ll straighten up, I WILL spoil him here and there with surprises to show him my respect and appreciation–and he’s been good for the past two days. So I bought him a Venus Flytrap plant, of which he’s been talking about non-stop for months. He fittingly named it Dexter Morgan (ha!) after asking me for name ideas; Patrick Bateman, Spiderman, Venom, Marty McFlyTrap…

And then I raced to start dinner because HOLY SHIT it was 6:20 and where the hell had the time gone?! Bed time is 8pm, these kids needed to eat! (If you’re curious about dinner, it’s in my IG feed to the right —> ).

And then like magic, we sat down to dinner around 7:30…and it’s now 9:45 and where the hell has the time gone?!

But somewhere in the middle of the hustle and bustle and madness of my late-starting, but busy day, I snuck 2 hours to just hold my precious Ivy and love on her like crazy. It’s not perfect, but I’m doing much better with this postpartum than with my last ones. I have days where I am tested. But I’m surviving them without becoming too overwhelmed, and when I FEEL overwhelment building, I speak up and ask for help. I’m tired of being stubborn. I’ve learned to relinquish the reins from time to time. To delegate.

(And having my mother here has been a huge help lately and I truly appreciate her and all she does to ease the burden of my overly scheduled days. You’re amazing mom, I know you’re reading this. And I am still amazed and in awe that you did this, you raised 4 brats to become (mostly) healthy and (mostly) crime-free, functioning (for the most part) contributing members of society. AS a single mom. Brava. My hat goes off to you lady. *golf clap* *raises champagne flute* *cheers*)

And during my my 2 hour, couch-hogging, stow-away session with Ivy, as I nursed her and watched her adorable little face make hundreds of little micro-expressions, I felt this rush, this flooding gush of love for her. The kind that makes you stop and go “This. THIS is what the physical feeling of LOVE feels like” and it inspired me to write a poem for my daughter as I held her–and rather than typing, I asked Siri to dictate a note and this is what I wrote:

I see it there, in the wee hours of the night.

When I hold you, everything feels just right.

Your big eyes stare at me, so full of wonder.

Every heartbeat clashes like thunder.

So much learning expressed in your little eyes.

Your sit ups, rolling over & other tries.

The comfort I feel when you’re limp in rest.

As you lay milk-drunkenly satisfied across my chest.

I watch your micro-expressions flitter by.

It takes all of me to not cry.

But the love you have for me makes the fatigue worth it all.

And every day the further I fall.

My love for you and the way I’m your peace,

Just makes my daily abundance increase.

Right now you’re whimpering in your sleep,

And I’m swaying you, holding you, earning my keep

To continue being entrusted with such a priceless charm

Keeping you safe within my arms.

Then a little smile creeps across your sleepy face,

And I know, within the whole universe, that this is my place.

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